Low Libido: Why So Many Women Struggle with it and What to Do

By Natasha Silverman, Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist, Coach, Speaker & Trainer

As a Sex and Relationship Therapist who has worked with hundreds of women and couples across the NHS, Relate, and in private practice, I know one thing for sure:

Women struggle with sexual desire - or rather, the loss of it.

In this article we're going to uncover the real reasons behind women's loss of libido over time and how you can take some practical steps to adjust and get your sexual desire back.

And here’s the part no one tells you: until recently, we’ve had it all wrong.

The Science of Female Sex Drive

Over the last few years, we’ve finally started to gain real insight into the science of female desire. For far too long, women were either left out of research entirely or treated as smaller versions of men. But sex drive doesn’t work the same way for the majority of women - and it was never meant to.

We’ve been taught that libido is high or low, on or off. That it should just appear if you’re with the right person or where there’s attraction, and that something’s wrong with you if it doesn’t. But newer research (finally!) shows us that female desire is often responsive, not spontaneous. It doesn’t just flick on like a switch - it builds in the right context, with emotional safety, connection, and room to breathe.

Why Has Your Sexual Appetite Evaporated?

So, if you’re struggling to feel “in the mood,” you are not broken. You’re human. And there are real, valid reasons why sexual desire disappears.

You’ve learned to see sex as a job to ‘tick off’ your list of chores

One of the most common sentences I hear in the therapy room is this:

“I often have sex with my partner when I’m not really in the mood, just to ‘get it done’ – that way they won’t feel frustrated, distant or rejected”.

It starts small. Your partner mentions it’s been a while since you were last intimate. You go along with it because it makes them happy. You push through because they feel hurt or rejected. Or perhaps because there will be awkward silences or tension once you say no. You tell yourself it’s easier to just do it than to deal with another frosty night or full-blown argument.

And slowly, sex becomes something you do to keep the peace - not something you want.

This can go on for months. Sometimes years. And somewhere along the way, you stop even asking yourself what you want. You become disconnected from your own desire, your own pleasure, your own sexual self.

Eventually, you might convince yourself that you’re just not that sexual. But here’s the truth:

This isn’t about you being broken.

It’s about the pressure, the expectation, the self-sacrifice, and the emotional weight that’s been layered on top of intimacy for years.

Reigniting desire must begin with letting go of the idea that sex is something you owe someone - and starting to ask what it means for you. Expectation, guilt and shame take you away from your physiological arousal and desire cycle, and it’s time to reactivate it.

You’re carrying a mental and emotional load the size of a mountain

Let’s be honest: desire doesn’t stand a chance when your brain is overloaded. If you’re constantly juggling deadlines, meal plans, childcare, WhatsApp groups, and the invisible admin of everyday life, your body can’t prioritise pleasure. It’s just trying to survive.

Desire doesn’t thrive in stress. It thrives in space, and most women are starved of it.

You feel disconnected from your erotic mind and body

If you’ve spent years at war with your body, struggling with body image or self-worth, it’s no surprise that feeling present during intimacy is hard. Many women have learned to view their body through the lens of how it looks - not how it feels. Trauma can also fuel disconnection from your body and pleasure.

Before or during sex you might be performing, dissociating, or worrying how you look - instead of tuning in to what feels good.

Reconnecting with your mind and body is a vital part of rebuilding desire and pleasure - and it doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts with slowing down, relaxation, tenderness, curiosity, and learning to feel safe in your own skin again.

You’ve internalised shame about your sexuality

Many women carry deep, often unconscious shame about sex. For wanting it. For not wanting it. For wanting it differently.

We’re labelled as cold if we say no too often, and “too much” if we say yes freely. We’re told good girls don’t talk about sex, don’t explore, don’t desire. So many women never received real sex education - only a long list of unspoken rules and contradictions: don’t get pregnant, don’t catch infections – “here, pop this condom on a banana!”. Very few of us have any education around the main motivator for sex: pleasure.

Whether it stems from trauma, upbringing, religious messaging, or just cultural noise; shame can make it feel impossible to access desire without guilt. Reclaiming your sexuality often involves unlearning the myths you’ve been taught and relearning how to connect with your body and pleasure in a way that feels safe, empowered, and yours.

There’s pressure - and it builds

Even in loving relationships, pressure can creep in. The way your partner rolls their eyes or sighs when you say no. The silent withdrawal. The unspoken rule that too long without sex means something’s wrong with you - or with the relationship.

Many women describe feeling like they’ve failed - failed at sex, failed as a partner - simply because they don’t want it as often (or in the way) they feel they should. And when that pressure builds, so does the dread. You’re no longer asking, “Could I want this?” You’re just trying to avoid conflict and disconnection.

And sometimes, that pressure escalates. What starts as subtle tension can become entitlement, blame, or coercion. When sex becomes something done out of fear, guilt, or obligation - it’s not truly consensual. And it certainly doesn’t help desire.